Dave Ford Does Earth

Posted by Dave Ford

In front of Colarada Lagoon

The Boys in front of one of the Many Volcanoes

The Salt Flats of Bolivia is by and large the weirdest place I have ever been in my entire life. It felt like we were on an entirely different planet. There are miles, and miles, and miles of just salt. The bizarre nature of this place got even crazier when we visited coral reef caves, massive red sanded deserts, volcanoes galore, red lagoons, and flamingos. We also got up close and personal with a really weird French dude.

Sidenote: I have come to the conclusion that France should be on a completely different planet (more on this later).

Salar de Uyuni is the worlds largest Salt Flat at 4085 square miles. Its also just over 3500 meters high. At the highest point of our tour we reached just over 5000 meters. Needless to say, the altitude effects you on the Salt Flats.

Over 40,000 years ago the entire area was a part of a major prehistoric lake. Eventually the lake dried and left behind the many bizarre aforementioned sites.

Raj Mahal, Dave, The BV Show and I decided to go with an upgrade tour company to do the Salt Flat Tour. Basically, we had heard a ridiculous amount of complaints from other backpackers about how cold it would be. It became evident how desperately we needed heat in our four-wheel drive truck. We spent 3 straight days in a cramped, yet heated Toyota Landcruiser. Thank God because it was just as freezing as everyone said!

Our crew consisted of our driver Orlando, our cook Lourdes, and a lone Frenchman that did not speak a word of English. The BV show lovingly dubbed him “Frenchy” from the start of the trip and it stuck. Surprisingly, Frenchy seemed to enjoy his nickname.

Our first day coming from the town of Uyuni was through the actual “Salt Flats”. It was mind blowing. As far as the eye could see, we saw nothing but salt, salt, and more salt. At some points we actually came close to getting stuck in the salt. At its worst, I would compare it to driving through 6 inches of fresh snow. For the most part the salt was flat and smooth. We also stopped off at the Salt Museum in Uyuni. Everything, including the walls, was made of Salt.

Dave examining the proportions of a female Salt Statue in the “Salt Museum” in Uyuni

The Salt Flats are a photographers wet dream. We had some fun with the scenery.

Just before sunset at the end of day one of the tour Orlando took us to a coral reef. It used to be at the bottom of the Prehistoric lake before the tectonic plates shifted fifty gabillion years ago when the Andes were formed.

Sidenote: Orlando did not speak a lick of English. So, some of the fine details of what we were seeing were for the most part lost in translation. If someone actually knows when the tectonic plates shifted hit me up on the comment board.

Next to the Coral Reef Cave was a Pre-Incan cemetery. Apparently someone died in the Cave in the last twenty years, hence the cross. Yes, I took this award winning photograph.

The next two days sort of blurred together. We stayed in reasonably good accommodations, drank a fair bit of red wine at night, and played “shithead” (the most popular card game on the road).

After we got through the Salt Flats the Volcanoes rapidly arrived. They were literally everywhere. From my knowledge, 98 percent of the Volcanoes we saw were inactive.

Out of nowhere we came upon rock formations isolated in the desert. The picture above is the craziest by far.

On the rest of the tour we saw a red lagoon, a green lagoon, and more desert. Some of the regular lagoons had a few random flamingos. Apparently the lakes act as their breeding grounds in November.

When you are stuck in the car with people for almost 72 hours, you really get to know people. Dave, Raj, Ben, and I enjoyed some great conversations.

> I learned that Ben and Dave both hate driving slow (Orlando drove like a moderately aggressive grandmother).

>I learned that Dave knows a lot about cars. This came up when our car broke down on day 2 about 6 times.

>I learned that our driver Orlando does not like listening to gringos telling him how to fix his car.

> Most importantly, I learned that both Dave and the BV show have serious gastrointestinal issues in the altitude. They blew up the car consistently throughout the entire duration of the trip. Orlando and our cook were not amused.

Sidenote: I know as much about cars as I do about chaos theory math. So, when the car broke down., Dave had “Raji Taj” translate to Orlando what he thought was wrong with the car. Orlando, did not listen and found it necessary to remove many strange looking parts. It was a time of high drama and I got the hell out of there. There were too many pissed off cooks in the kitchen.

Dave trying to communicate what he thought was wrong.

I walked a quarter of a mile up the road and chilled. I saw a weird rabbit-like thing that seemingly jumped 10 yards at a time clearing huge rocks. Either that or there was some left over Ayahuasca in my system.

Every morning, Frenchy (his actual name is Francois) got into the car 15 minutes before the rest of us every day to claim his prided window seat. Oh yeah, this was annoying. On the last day, Raji Taj jumped in the seat early and beat him to the punch, throwing Frenchies day into a complete tailspin. We all found this amusing. Frenchy…not so much.

Sidenote: Out of all the people from all over the world I have traveled with, I find the French to be the most ridiculous. In fact, most of the French I have met have been downright terrible. The stereotypes I have had in my head about the French before this trip seem to be confirming themselves. French people also seem to have a funny, yet annoying laugh.

Sidenote: If anyone has any funny stories about French people. Please feel free to post them. It would be most amusing and wonderful. If you are French and reading this, please feel free to post funny stories about your fellow French countrymen as well.

Playing cards in the shelter with Frenchy. On night two Frenchy got on the drink hard! He also won every game of cards we played.

At one point, we stopped to look at some llama-like things. Orlando clearly instructed us not to get out of the car. Of course, Frenchy jumped right out and started taking pictures. Afterwards, when driving off, Frenchy realized that a piece of his camera had fallen into the desert. We went back and assumed a search. Somehow, by the grace of “tiny 8 pound 6 ounce lord baby Jesus”, we found the missing piece.

In summary, the Salt Flats were impressive. Just like everything else in Bolivia, it was REALLY cheap as well. Overall, we ended up being not very happy with the Oasis tour company. The primary reason for our feelings co-inside directly with the breakdowns.

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Notes:

My flag motif on my backpack is coming along nicely. I should have three more flags before my triumphant return to Baltimore.

> Ben and Dave have effectively nicknamed me “the consumer” largely due to my care free attitude towards money.

The BV show has made this picture both his Myspace and Facebook Profile Pic. Just thought I would add it to further contribute to the “Gay Ben Vears Pictures Gallery” that appears to be forming within this blog.

> I am way backed up on the blog. Lack of internet assess is a biatch. Look for a flurry of posts this week. Heres a little sneak peak:

- Drugged!!!! In San Pedro de Atacama. The story about how two Aussies, one giant American, and one Brit got their drinks spiked in the Chilean desert. Also, I will download VIDEO of horseback riding through the desert in San Pedro.

- Condors!!!! Condors are large beautiful birds. We saw a ton in Colca Canyon outside of Arequipa in Peru. I AM going to upload some video.

- American Beauty!!! I will walk you through the complete mental breakdown of a middle aged, white trash American on our Colca Canyon Tour.

- A reunion in Cusco!!! The story of three days of heavy celebrating in Cusco with the BV show, Davey Mallet, Billy, and Jess (from Rurrenabaque).

> I am on a bus tomorrow to La Paz AGAIN. I am traveling with an American girl named Lisa for the next couple of days. We may stop off on Isla Del Sol for a night on Lake Titicaca. I am going back for a four day retreat in the mountains surrounding La Paz with a certain Shaman named Tim. Ben, Dave and I have to be in the Galapagos on July 5th. So, we are still finalizing the details of what we are doing between now and then. We could end up in the Bolivian Jungle again. Or, we could end up surfing the beaches of Northern Peru. We are not quite sure yet but we are working up a plan.

> Afro Update: This past week I have had a major break through with my Afro. It is basically at the point of complete perfection. This is the result of much consultation with Afro specialists from around the world.

> Although the next two months are shaping up to be really amazing, I am really looking forward to getting back home for a few months in August to see everyone. It’s going to be a blast.

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