Dave Ford Does Earth

Posted by Dave Ford

Facts:

I live in Garaj Mahal…

Garaj Mahal is located in the Baltimore City district of Federal Hill 3 blocks from the Cross Street Market. The historic market houses some of the hottest nightlife in the entire city. The square shaped fixture dubbed Garaj Mahal resembles an abandoned fire house from years past. The paint is falling off. Inside of this mammoth industrial building is a massive garage and 5 (12 x 12) rooms sectioned off into an apartment.

There are two bedrooms, an office, a large family room, a bathroom, a small kitchen, and a lounge area.
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Role Playing Exercise:

Pretend you see that the front door is cracked open on the massive structure. You are drawn to this seemingly magical place. You do not know why, but you must enter the door. You are being pulled like a spec of lead to a giant magnet. You are told by the black magic marker etching on the front door that this place goes by the name of Garaj Mahal. Apprehensively, you walk forward and push the door open to its full capacity. It responds by creaking lightly, as if to say hello, and swings wide to give you your first glance into what just might be paradise.

As you enter the front door and glance to the right you are greeted by a pair of antlers hanging on the wall. The white, masculine horns welcome you into what appears to be a 1950’s men’s lodge. You then take four steps forward into the main family room and come to face with a pair of 8 point bucks.

The pair of massive beasts look down at you strong and proud as if to scream from the mountaintops, “I am here for a reason”. You then think, “The reason you are here is because someone shot you. Someone shot you because they were tired of you jumping through 6 lanes of highway traffic. Or, better yet, maybe it is because deer are too stupid to realize that that 1993 Plymouth Voyager mini van heading right for you is a car. Just like the 50 million other cars that plow into your species on American roads.” “Why do you just stare back you stupid, stupid deer”? Your fury at deer completely takes over for the next moments.

Tiring of being angry at deer, you take a deep breath, spin around backwards, and glance up for your first encounter with a beautiful pair of Canadian geese. These two extravagant creatures are posed like they are gently flying out of a pond after a fresh, soaking rain in the mountains of West Virginia. The two long lost souls are gazing into each others eyes as if determined to connect again in the spirit world.

You then say to them aloud as your fury returns, “I am glad you are dead because Canadian Geese are the second most annoying animal in the world behind deer!”

Sidenote: In actuality there are probably hundreds of animals more annoying then deer and geese. These would include scorpions, rats, lice, crows, dingos, catfish, hippos (surprising deadly, yet annoying), and gerbils.

You formulate in your mind some simple thoughts. “There are a lot of dead animals in here”. “Why are there so many dead animals in this mysterious Garage?”

Then before you can gather your thoughts to react, you see a quick red burst out of the corner of your eye.

“It wasn’t a dog was it?”

“It looked like a…?”

“IT LOOKED LIKE A FOX?”

“But, how the hell?”

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To be continued sometime in the nearest of futures…

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